Superman #356

TITLE: Superman #356

PUBLISHER: DC

COVER DATE: February 1981

COVER PRICE: $0.50

25 pages


WHAT I REMEMBER...

So I'm on a plane back from Chicago after attending Wizard World there some twelve or thirteen years ago, and I'm looking through a stack of Superman back issues that I brought with me on the plane, when one particular cover caught my eye.

Seriously...how could you not see that cover and wonder just what the hell is up with this guy?

It was a fun enough story, and the fascination with Vartox continued apace once I discovered that he actually had other appearances after this one. There's only about a dozen or so, which in all honesty is about 10 more than is probably needed. I kept waiting for someone to realize just how ridiculous that costume was and give him some new duds, but it never happened. The thigh-high boots, yellow striped briefs, and bare-chested vest were here to stay.

Vartox is one of those characters that you like despite themselves. I'm thrilled that Palmiotti, Gray, and Conner where able to find the perfect way to bring this character into the post-crisis world. And before you tell me, I know that he has made an appearance or two since COIE, but he lost a little in translation in trying to make him a serious character. They updated his costume and motivation, but once you take the bare-chested, obnoxiuos blowhard attitude away, he's just another generic alien.

At this point, I've probably shared too much about my fascination with this character, so let's just read the story and move on...

Battle of the Super-Hyper Powers!

• Writer: Cary Bates
• Penciller: Curt Swan
• Inker: Frank Chiaramonte
• Letterer: Ben Oda
• Colorist: Adrienne Roy
• Editor: Julius Schwartz

The story opens up on idyllic Mammoth Mountain, a ski resort popular with the residents of Metropolis. Three such Metropolitans are Clark, Lana, and Steve Lombard as they are spending a relaxing weekend away from the hustle and bustle of the city. Well, two people are relaxing. Clark is playing the bumbling introvert that was required to protect his identity back in the day.

It doesn't take long, however, for the Steve to be obnoxious and inadvertently send Clark careening down the mountainside. Still acting the bumbling oaf, Clark feigns helplessness as he continues to ski down the slope.

Naturally, of course, since this is a pre-crisis Superman book there are a couple of things that happen just in the time to save Superman's secret identity. Not only is there an air force jet careening out of control over the mountain, but also a mysterious figure that flies past in super-speed.

The pilot manages to regain control of his jet, but not before he creates a sonic boom that starts an avalanche on the very mountain that Clark is skiing down! He uses his super-breath to blow Steve out of harm's way before being enveloped by the snow. All is not lost, however, as he just used that opportunity to change into Superman without being seen.

Although if protecting your identity was a big concern you'd probably not want to come bursting through the snow wearing Clark's skis, right?

One dose of heat vision later, and Superman has turned the onslaught of snow into a cloud of steam. The day is saved, but not everything is okay, for in all of the commotion Lana has disappeared!

It doesn't take long for Lana to return however, as she was whisked away by our mysterious flying figure from earlier who just happens to be Vartox! The last time he had visited our planet, they had started a brief relationship only to have Vartox leave for space to find his destiny among the stars in search of a planet to protect as honorably as Superman defends Earth.

He has returned on this day to say a final, tearful goodbye to Lana as he has found an adoptive planet to protect and call his own, but as they need his talents full time, he won't be able to come back again.

If only this was real life, that would be the end of the story and Lana would be left to nurse an intergalactic broken heart. Thankfully for us, as I mentioned earlier, this is a pre-crisis Superman story so you know the story doesn't end there.

For while Vartox was saying his goodbyes to Lana, his eyes were secretly sending out Hyper-Beams to Clark in a pulsing, mathematical code that explained the true nature of his visit to Earth.

Lana must really be distraught to not notice that while Vartox is saying his final goodbyes to her, he can't keep his eyes off of Clark. That seems like a red flag raiser to me.

So what's the real story? It turns out that the planet that Vartox has adopted and sworn to protect, Tynola, has been using him as a pawn by manufacturing all of the disasters that Vartox has been so busy protecting them from. He created this ruse of saying goodbye to Earth one last time so that he will be able to secretly transmit a message of help to Superman without raising any undo suspicion in the Tynolians.

So off to Tynola Superman goes to play the part of a marauding super-powered being that Vartox will be able to subdue. That way, Superman will be able to help Vartox find out what's going on with the Tynolians from inside their own society.

As the cover promised, it's a battle of Super-Powers vs. Hyper-Powers. So what exactly are Hyper-Powers? Who knows, but they are vague enough to let the writers do whatever they feel like doing. In fact, it's this very situation that occurs that allows Vartox to take down Superman once and for all.

Using a never revealed aspect of his Hyper-Powers, Vartox is able to convert his body into pure Hyper-Energy to produce a power charge potent enough to take down Superman. Now unconscious, Superman is carried off to a prison cell and everything is working according to Vartox's plan. Just how overly-convoluted that plan actually was, you'll just have to wait until the next issue pops up to find out.

Before this issue ends, however, we get a glimpse as to what the Tynolians are up to in luring Vartox to their planet.

Hey look, kids! It's Galactus from the Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer movie!

It turns out that he was indeed a pawn, one that is going to be sacrificed to the magnificent and wondrous Moxumbra!

SO, WHAT DID WE LEARN...

What we have here is a pretty typical and textbook Superman story. They have a little fun with his secret identity, explore an overly dramatic love triangle, alien planets, misunderstandings, etc...

You know the drill by now, you either love this stuff or you just don't get it.

Me? I love this stuff and could read 'em all day long.

For those of you similarly afflicted like me, there's more good news. We're not quite done yet. There's a Fabulous World of Krypton back-up co-feature in this issue, so check back tomorrow for a tale of betrayal in ancient Krypton.

All characters and artwork reproduced are (c) DC Comics

Real villain or fake...you decide!

Here's one of those classic Hostess Fruit Pie ads that I stumbled across while reading Superman #356 for our next review.

Now, I'm in no way a Flash historian or devotee, so I have no idea if the following villain is actually one of Flash's rogues or not.

I'm woefully behind in my listening of Tom vs. The Flash, which has been my only experience with old Flash stories to date. So far he hasn't made an appearance, but his crimes of bureaucracy could very well be waiting to be discovered on my iPod at any moment.

But what does that tell you about the wonderfully kooky state of his Rogues Gallery that this guy seems like a plausible addition to the roster?

A bureaucrat so evil that he covers the city with actual red tape!

I know these Hostess ads are supposed to be wacky, but tell me you can't see this happening in the pages of Flash proper.

The Bureauc-Rat!

Actual Flash Rogue or real fruit filling, pastry-fueled impostor?

You decide...

Odds and sods, with Superman on a roll

• Every one else is having their fun, so why not me?
  
  You can't begin to guess how excited I am in the prospect of reading The Avengers again.



• Something else I'm looking forward to reading? Take a gander at the just released cover for Brightest Day #2...
  
  Am I actually equally excited about reading an Aquaman book as I am about the return of one of my beloved characters?
  
  By that standard, Blackest Night has been a runaway success.
  
  I was also underwhelmed initially with the David Finch exclusive, but I gotta say, if this is the quality of work he's going to be churning out I'm pleasantly surprised.

So enough about what I'm looking forward to reading, how about what I'm due to read immediately? It's time to pick the next completely random book to review, so take it away Randomizer...

...and that book is Superman #356 from February 1981, published by DC Comics!

Hey everyone, look! It's Vartox!

Those of you saying "Vartox who?" need to go back to your local comic book store and pick up Power Girl #7 and 8. Any comic book store worth their salt will still have a couple of issues available because this series is fantastic and deserves to be well stocked and well read.

So this is a pre-crisis appearance of Vartox, where...and I know this is going to sound silly...but that costume was meant to be taken seriously!

Hats off to Rich Buckler, who actually makes it look a little less "jazz hands-tastic" and more "don't even think about questioning my choice of hot pants, fool!"

See you in a day or two for the review.

Superman: The Man of Steel #96

TITLE: Superman: The Man of Steel #96

PUBLISHER: DC

COVER DATE: January 2000

COVER PRICE: $1.99

22 pages


WHAT I REMEMBER...

Sometimes it really sucks being a Superman fan. When you look back on definitive runs through the ages, there hasn't been that many. There have been creators that have left their mark, that's for sure. But when you look at the total time that the character has been published and how many different titles he's had, I'd just expect a little bit more.

One of my personal favorite eras, and definitely one of the high points in the post-death of Superman time, was the Jeph Loeb and Joe Kelly era. They had some great storylines such as Our Worlds At War, Emperor Joker, Return to Krypton, President Lex, Ending Battle and Y2K. They also reintroduced some classic characters like Krypto and Bizarro #1.

All in all, it was an action packed five years plus worth of stories. Loeb and Kelly get most of the credit, as they were the driving forces behind the two major titles Superman and Action Comics. One of the unsung heroes of that era, however was Mark Schultz and Doug Mahnke's run on Superman: The Man of Steel.

Their run had a serious sci-fi bent to it, and focused more on the fantastic, science-based aspect of Superman's life. It's filled with beasts, robots, and mad scientists of all stripes, and there's no one better to draw them than Doug Mahnke. His style is bold, expressive, and larger than life without turning into a caricature of itself. He's a great storyteller, who's got a real clear sense of pacing and plot. It's no wonder that he ended up as one of the key talents in the Green Lantern universe these days, as that book is tailor-made to his strengths.

As good as he is now, he was just as good then. Let's sit back, read a good comic, and enjoy the show...

Home

• Writer: Mark Schultz
• Penciller: Doug Mahnke
• Inker: Tom Nguyen
• Colorist: Glenn Whitmore
• Separations: Wildstorm FX
• Letterer: Ken Lopez
• Associate Editor: Maureen McTigue
• Editor: Eddie Berganza

It's an average day for Clark Kent, as he goes about his average domestic duties before returning home after work.

It's encouraging to know that even Superman, with all of the powers at his disposal, can't pick out a perfect cantaloupe either

It's only after he gets to his home, that we realize how decidedly non-average Clark Kent truly is.

I love that the lamp has the same headress as Byrne's Lara-El

So if this is a decidedly non-average turn of events for Clark Kent, Superman's day actually started out quite normal by his standards...punching out gigantic robots!

This is the issue that brings John Henry Irons back into the fold of the Superman titles on a regular basis as an inventor and weapons engineer for the S.C.U., and later for himself with Ironworks. The robots were his creation, and Superman was helping him test the operation limits of their effectiveness in fighting superpowered beings.

Back to the present, and we catch up with Clark in his Kryptonized apartment. The image of the ancient Kryptonian scientist Kem-L appears before him, and it doesn't take Clark long to figure out that all of this is the Eradicator's doing. The Eradicator program is getting all Darth Vader on Clark, demanding that he join them as they rebuild the world in the image of Krypton.

We all know how this is going down, as Superman may be Kryptonian by birth but Earth is his home now and he's having no part in the subjugation of it's people.

Since the Eradicator is all about the preservation of Kryptonian technology, it chooses the ancient warrior art of Torquasm-Vo to settle their differences. I mentioned earlier how there were so many great ideas born from this era of Superman titles...this one? Eh, not so much.

How an ancient Kryptonian warrior art that uses a theta state mind control needs to be personified by giant robots is beyond me

So while Superman fights that particular battle, the Justice League is busy fighting another battle on his behalf. A picture had surfaced of Superman wearing a wedding ring, so the JLA holds a press conference where they all show off gold bands and declare that they are all married...to the Justice League! It's a little cheesy, but it's fun comic book dramatics.

Hey, look kids! It's the first appearance of the JLA here at the Random Longbox, and it only took 54 reviews!

The battle between the Eradicator and Superman rages on, with Superman barely holding his own when Lois returns home. While battling with a new found strength, now that he has to protect Lois from the Eradicator as well, they piece together that one of the Kryptonian artifacts they recently brought back from the Fortress of Solitude must be the cause of the Eradicator's return.

When Lois eventually finds the small statue, she tosses it to Superman who disintegrates it with his heat vision. With the idol destroyed, the illusion of Krypton that the Eradicator had created disperses with him.

SO, WHAT DID WE LEARN...

With all of the focus on New Krypton in the Superman titles these days, this version of Krypton seems downright alien. I started reading and collecting Superman in the post Byrne era, so this will always be the version of Krypton that comes to mind first, and it was cool seeing it in it's glory once again. The Eradicator just happens to be a perfect villain for this incarnation of Krypton, taking on a Venom-type role as antagonist.

This is a nifty little done-in-one tale that sets up a couple of future sub-plots, and ties up a couple of old ones. Mark Schultz had a great knack for serving the larger storyline that was ever-present in the days of the shield numbering, but he always managed to tell a complete story in it's own right. This issue is no exception, and just serves to remind me that it's been a while since I've reread any of his run.

At this point, I've already heaped enough praise on Doug Mahnke, so I'm just going to let the pictures speak for themselves. But seriously, if you're enjoying what he's doing on Green Lantern these days, you owe it to yourself to go longbox hunting and pick up his Man of Steel and JLA run. It's some really dynamic stuff, and you won't be disappointed.

All characters and artwork reproduced are (c) DC Comics

Terror through the ages...and yet more Superman!

It's late, but it's still Wednesday, so that means we still have time for another episode of Comic Book Days of Wednesdays Past before we make the next review pick.

The Randomizer has picked the first year for us to look at, and it's 1951!

So what were the kids reading 59 years ago? The 50's was such a wholesome decade that I'm sure it was something innocent and pure, something you could pick up at the five and dime back when you could actually pick something up for a nickel or a dime.


Well it only cost a dime, so I got that much right. Innocent and pure? When you're dealing with Adventures In Terror #3, maybe not so much.

Although, take a look at the lead story. Ghostly gloves?! No! Not the gloves! Anything but the gloves!

Don't worry about the full bodied apparition right in front of you, it's the gloves that are the real threat. I shouldn't joke however, as they beat out graveyards, haunted houses, and zombies to be the lead story. I better stop now before the inevitable Spinal Tap joke pops up.

The next stop in our trip through time is 1961! Will things be more or less terrifying at the dawn of the 60's than they were ten years prior?

At first glance, the cover to My Greatest Adventure #54 doesn't look all that scary.

Yeah, it's got crazy beasts and giant insects...but that's old hat by this time.

No, the really scary thing is that they actually had the cojones to acknowledge that evolution existed!! It's terrifying that kids from five decades ago were more scientifically literate than today's generation.

Oh well, now that I've thoroughly depressed myself let's get the Randomizer to give us a new completely random book to review from the old longboxes. Take it away, Randomizer...

...and that book is Superman: The Man Of Steel #96 from January 2000, published by DC Comics!

True to form, the Randomizer can't let a month go by without at least one Superman pick. This issue is actually from one of my favorite runs from the post death of Superman era. What was it about these particular issues that makes them stand out? Two words...

Doug. Mahnke.

It's funny, as no sooner had I published my previous review of the Hitman/Lobo issue drawn by Mahnke that I realized that I forgot to mention this Superman run. I was just going to give these issues a quick shout-out while talking about the awesome artwork of Doug Mahnke, but it had slipped my mind.

The Randomizer went and did me a solid, as it's giving me a whole review to devote to the pencils of Doug Mahnke on the title where I first noticed his work. See you in a day or two for the review.

Hitman/Lobo: That Stupid Bastich! #1

TITLE: Hitman/Lobo: That Stupid Bastich! #1

PUBLISHER: DC

COVER DATE: September 2000

COVER PRICE: $3.95

38 pages


WHAT I REMEMBER...

This issue got picked at just about the perfect time, as it wasn't that long ago that the Randomizer picked another issue of Hitman to review. While reading that book, it made me realize just how much I miss this title. I've been trying to think of a book I read currently that scratches this particular itch, and I don't think there is one.

Power Girl has the goofy "let's not take this superhero thing too seriously" vibe that Hitman had in spades, but with none of the over the top violence and sarcasm.

Jonah Hex has the man's man attitude and code of honor that Tommy Monaghan lives by, but none of the "wink-wink" coyness about it.

Criminal has the main characters with less than ideal morals getting involved in situations that rarely leave the protagonist unscathed, but never do you finish an issue and still feel a fondness for them.

So if you want some new Hitman, just shove Power Girl, Jonah Hex, and Criminal in a meat grinder...and out will come Hitman. Or you could always raid the longbox for an issue like this one, that I completely forgot existed.

That Stupid Bastich

• Writer: Garth Ennis
• Artist: Doug Mahnke
• Letterer: Ken Lopez
• Colorist: Carla Feeny
• Separator: Jamison
• Assistant Editor: L.A. Williams
• Editor: Peter Tomasi
• A special thanks to Pat Gleason

A quick hat tip is in order to the current creators of the Green Lantern titles, as three quarters of them are listed in the credits for this issue.

I'm also going to shake things up a little bit, and give the quick one sentence/elevator speech recap of this issue, and that's going to be pretty much it as far as the actual review portion of this review is concerned. I mean, seriously, this is Lobo we're talking about...one sentence is probably one sentence too long. But for formalities sake, let's get it written down.

Lobo chases Hitman across Gotham City after getting punked by Hitman for causing a ruckus at Noonan's Bar.

Now, let's revel in the glory of this issue as we start a new feature at the Random Longbox with the 1st Annual Ultra-Violence and Funny Business Awards!

Most disgusting use of bodily fluids

The first category up is a perennial favorite, and as always, there's a bunch of strong contenders. Let's take a look at the nominees.

• Sean Noonan spiking Lobo's beer with a booger behind his back
• Flemgem hawking a loogie in Lobo's face
• Sixpack urinating in the gas tank of Lobo's motorcycle

...and the winner is?


While not the most original of pranks, Doug Mahnke draws it with style. Whether it's the earnestness with which Sean finds just the right booger, or Lobo's complete and utter obliviousness, or Hitman's cool demeanor...it all boils down to a wicked funny set of panels.

Best Catchphrase

• "Doctor Bo recommends an intravenous dose o' frag!!" -Lobo
• "Jean de Baton!" -Jean de Baton
• "Hawcchtt" - Flemgem

Lobo has to be the odds on favorite, after all he did coin his own swear word. Let's see what the judges thought.

Jean de Baton comes out of nowhere to take the award that nobody thought Lobo would be denied. What an upset, but I guess when you're only bit of dialogue is your name and catchphrase, we should have seen this one coming. Let's listen in to his acceptance speech.

"Jean de Baton!

Jean de Baton!

Jean de Baton-Baton!"

Beautiful...I couldn't have said it better myself! While I wipe away my tears, let's get to the next category.

Worst Catchphrase

• "Doctor Bo recommends an intravenous dose o' frag!!" -Lobo
• "Jean de Baton!" -Jean de Baton
• "Hawcchtt" -Flemgem

And the award goes to...

Yeah, "intravenous" doesn't necessarily roll of the tongue, does it? I guess it must get tough after a while to think of new ways to use the word "frag". Who knew Lobo was so book smart, throwing around four syllable words in the middle of an insult?

So Lobo nabs his first award of the night, but I'm not gonna be the one to tell him what it's for. I think it's best we move on to the next category.

Most over-the-top or funniest attack used against Lobo

Uh-oh...good thing he can regrow himself from just a single drop of blood.

• Getting his eyes shot out at point blank range by Hitman
• Having his brains blown out by a mob sniper
• Getting "married" to Bueno Excellente while passed out

And the winner is...

Who knew Gotham City was so progressive and liberal that this sort of marriage between an illegal alien and a man fighting crime with the power of perversion was legal, eh? More power to 'em, but I'm not going to tell Lobo that he won this award either. Best let sleeping dogs lie.

Best One-Liner

You know with Garth Ennis involved, there were at least a couple.

• "'Scuse me, Miss Lobo?" -Hitman, while trying to get Lobo's attention
• "This whole city's a glutton fer punishment." -Lobo, after get shot in the face for the umpteenth time
• "An' the question is 'who had a hit with Love Is Bland (Don't Step On My Hair) in 1988?" -Hitman, playing Trivial Pursuit with his girlfriend

And the winner is...

Leave it to Hitman to find the perfect four words to set the last Czarnian off on an issue long rampage.

And for those of you keeping score at home...in the DCU, Bon Jovi was at the top of charts in 1988 with that particular song.

Most Underused Superpower

• X-Ray Vision, Hitman
• Dog welding, The Dogwelder
• Defenestration, The Defenstrator

And the winner is...

The Dogwelder, and Wizard Magazine's "Character of the Year - 1997" comes back out of retirement for another award!

Ooops! I've just been informed by the judges that I mis-read the card. This award is for "Most Underexplained Superpower".

What does the power of dogwelding entail? Like the award says, it's best you don't ask.

I've also just been informed that we're running long, so it's time for the most anticipated award of the night.

Best Single Panel

Will it be violent? Will it be funny? Will it poke fun at a particular social norm? Will it be all three? Let's take a look at the nominees.

Here's Lobo doing what he does best, while trying to catch Hitman in the streets of Gotham.

That look says it all, even with no eyes!

I think this panel was printed with testosterone ink.

And the winner is...

The staredown between Hitman and Lobo!

It's all right there in that one panel. Lobo knows that he's been defeated, but he has to try one last act of intimidation. Tommy's not having any of it, and the tiniest hint of smugness in his smirk is just about perfect. There was never any doubt that he would get the better of Lobo, and he's ready to do it all again if he had to.

With that, we bring the 2010 Ultra-Violence and Funny Business Awards to a close. See you next year!

SO, WHAT DID WE LEARN...

Nothing that we didn't already know...namely that Hitman is sorely missed. There's really nothing more that needs to be said.

In fact, I'm just going to stop right now and reread this issue again...and you should too!

All characters and artwork reproduced are (c) DC Comics