Hitman/Lobo: That Stupid Bastich! #1

TITLE: Hitman/Lobo: That Stupid Bastich! #1

PUBLISHER: DC

COVER DATE: September 2000

COVER PRICE: $3.95

38 pages


WHAT I REMEMBER...

This issue got picked at just about the perfect time, as it wasn't that long ago that the Randomizer picked another issue of Hitman to review. While reading that book, it made me realize just how much I miss this title. I've been trying to think of a book I read currently that scratches this particular itch, and I don't think there is one.

Power Girl has the goofy "let's not take this superhero thing too seriously" vibe that Hitman had in spades, but with none of the over the top violence and sarcasm.

Jonah Hex has the man's man attitude and code of honor that Tommy Monaghan lives by, but none of the "wink-wink" coyness about it.

Criminal has the main characters with less than ideal morals getting involved in situations that rarely leave the protagonist unscathed, but never do you finish an issue and still feel a fondness for them.

So if you want some new Hitman, just shove Power Girl, Jonah Hex, and Criminal in a meat grinder...and out will come Hitman. Or you could always raid the longbox for an issue like this one, that I completely forgot existed.

That Stupid Bastich

• Writer: Garth Ennis
• Artist: Doug Mahnke
• Letterer: Ken Lopez
• Colorist: Carla Feeny
• Separator: Jamison
• Assistant Editor: L.A. Williams
• Editor: Peter Tomasi
• A special thanks to Pat Gleason

A quick hat tip is in order to the current creators of the Green Lantern titles, as three quarters of them are listed in the credits for this issue.

I'm also going to shake things up a little bit, and give the quick one sentence/elevator speech recap of this issue, and that's going to be pretty much it as far as the actual review portion of this review is concerned. I mean, seriously, this is Lobo we're talking about...one sentence is probably one sentence too long. But for formalities sake, let's get it written down.

Lobo chases Hitman across Gotham City after getting punked by Hitman for causing a ruckus at Noonan's Bar.

Now, let's revel in the glory of this issue as we start a new feature at the Random Longbox with the 1st Annual Ultra-Violence and Funny Business Awards!

Most disgusting use of bodily fluids

The first category up is a perennial favorite, and as always, there's a bunch of strong contenders. Let's take a look at the nominees.

• Sean Noonan spiking Lobo's beer with a booger behind his back
• Flemgem hawking a loogie in Lobo's face
• Sixpack urinating in the gas tank of Lobo's motorcycle

...and the winner is?


While not the most original of pranks, Doug Mahnke draws it with style. Whether it's the earnestness with which Sean finds just the right booger, or Lobo's complete and utter obliviousness, or Hitman's cool demeanor...it all boils down to a wicked funny set of panels.

Best Catchphrase

• "Doctor Bo recommends an intravenous dose o' frag!!" -Lobo
• "Jean de Baton!" -Jean de Baton
• "Hawcchtt" - Flemgem

Lobo has to be the odds on favorite, after all he did coin his own swear word. Let's see what the judges thought.

Jean de Baton comes out of nowhere to take the award that nobody thought Lobo would be denied. What an upset, but I guess when you're only bit of dialogue is your name and catchphrase, we should have seen this one coming. Let's listen in to his acceptance speech.

"Jean de Baton!

Jean de Baton!

Jean de Baton-Baton!"

Beautiful...I couldn't have said it better myself! While I wipe away my tears, let's get to the next category.

Worst Catchphrase

• "Doctor Bo recommends an intravenous dose o' frag!!" -Lobo
• "Jean de Baton!" -Jean de Baton
• "Hawcchtt" -Flemgem

And the award goes to...

Yeah, "intravenous" doesn't necessarily roll of the tongue, does it? I guess it must get tough after a while to think of new ways to use the word "frag". Who knew Lobo was so book smart, throwing around four syllable words in the middle of an insult?

So Lobo nabs his first award of the night, but I'm not gonna be the one to tell him what it's for. I think it's best we move on to the next category.

Most over-the-top or funniest attack used against Lobo

Uh-oh...good thing he can regrow himself from just a single drop of blood.

• Getting his eyes shot out at point blank range by Hitman
• Having his brains blown out by a mob sniper
• Getting "married" to Bueno Excellente while passed out

And the winner is...

Who knew Gotham City was so progressive and liberal that this sort of marriage between an illegal alien and a man fighting crime with the power of perversion was legal, eh? More power to 'em, but I'm not going to tell Lobo that he won this award either. Best let sleeping dogs lie.

Best One-Liner

You know with Garth Ennis involved, there were at least a couple.

• "'Scuse me, Miss Lobo?" -Hitman, while trying to get Lobo's attention
• "This whole city's a glutton fer punishment." -Lobo, after get shot in the face for the umpteenth time
• "An' the question is 'who had a hit with Love Is Bland (Don't Step On My Hair) in 1988?" -Hitman, playing Trivial Pursuit with his girlfriend

And the winner is...

Leave it to Hitman to find the perfect four words to set the last Czarnian off on an issue long rampage.

And for those of you keeping score at home...in the DCU, Bon Jovi was at the top of charts in 1988 with that particular song.

Most Underused Superpower

• X-Ray Vision, Hitman
• Dog welding, The Dogwelder
• Defenestration, The Defenstrator

And the winner is...

The Dogwelder, and Wizard Magazine's "Character of the Year - 1997" comes back out of retirement for another award!

Ooops! I've just been informed by the judges that I mis-read the card. This award is for "Most Underexplained Superpower".

What does the power of dogwelding entail? Like the award says, it's best you don't ask.

I've also just been informed that we're running long, so it's time for the most anticipated award of the night.

Best Single Panel

Will it be violent? Will it be funny? Will it poke fun at a particular social norm? Will it be all three? Let's take a look at the nominees.

Here's Lobo doing what he does best, while trying to catch Hitman in the streets of Gotham.

That look says it all, even with no eyes!

I think this panel was printed with testosterone ink.

And the winner is...

The staredown between Hitman and Lobo!

It's all right there in that one panel. Lobo knows that he's been defeated, but he has to try one last act of intimidation. Tommy's not having any of it, and the tiniest hint of smugness in his smirk is just about perfect. There was never any doubt that he would get the better of Lobo, and he's ready to do it all again if he had to.

With that, we bring the 2010 Ultra-Violence and Funny Business Awards to a close. See you next year!

SO, WHAT DID WE LEARN...

Nothing that we didn't already know...namely that Hitman is sorely missed. There's really nothing more that needs to be said.

In fact, I'm just going to stop right now and reread this issue again...and you should too!

All characters and artwork reproduced are (c) DC Comics